I married my cousin… but now I can’t stand him

Question: Last summer holidays I got married to my cousin, actually I didn't wanted to but still I did it because my parents wanted me to do so, and only if I married him, I could go to university or else I had to stay home all my life, because I didn't obey them (that would be my punishment).  I only got married to make my parents happy. My elder sister is in a divorce, so i didn't wanted to let them down and i didn't wanted to  be  another problem..
 
But now, one year later, my husband has moved up with me. It's a great problem for me.  I really don't like him. I don't like his thoughts, his appearance, his talking. Everytime he talks I almost have to vomit.  I don't even want to look at his face, which makes me even more sad. The only thing I'm with him is because of my dad. I don't want to hurt him.

I don't want to share my bed with him, because he doesn't know anything about contraception. On our wedding night he wanted to do "it" right away. I don't love him, how can I just do it? Even when I told him I don't want to "it" now, he forced me to it. I panicked and did it. I felt so useless and miserable. All because of my parents, with whom I have a very cold relationship. There is no one in the family to whom I can talk to and who will understand me.

I thought maybe when time passes, we will start loving each other, but I hate him even more now. Now I know how different we are, like north and south pole. If i sit with him I want to cry very hard! Why is this happening to me??

Answer:

In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,

There are a few things that you can consider at this point.

There are many couples who have lived together, despite not understanding a word of the other's language in the initial stages of marriage. Allah opened up the doors for them, due to their commitment to each other and their commitment to make this sacred communion of marriage work. Could this not also work out in your situation? Remember, he may not seem so ugly and repulsive anymore if your perspective changed of him, for, as the saying goes, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

This does not mean that I condone this custom of arranged marriages that you have fallen prey too. May Allah protect us all from such unhappiness. However, I do encourage that you give this all that you can to see it in a different light. You married (this person) for the wrong reasons in the first place; to be allowed to go to university and so on. It was a big step you took for a paltry benefit. This is not what people should marry for. Why not now do more to make it work? Why not now change your intention and outlook about this marriage, or at least put in your list of prospects. I am sure that the hadith of the Messenger (upon him be peace) which states that "a believing man should not despise a believing women (his wife); he must look at those qualities of his wife that please him and overlook those which displease him" (Sahih Muslim), could also work the other way round for your situation. He may have many qualities that need to be given a chance to surface.

Therefore, give deep though to the above. If it still proves impossible, then ponder over the following:

One is the consequences of separating. What would you do after a divorce? Would you stay with your parents and what would their relationship be with you?

If you think that there is no way to continue with this marriage after pondering over all aspects of your life and making istikhara, then divorce would certainly be permissible in this case. Let us look at the following hadith related by Imam Bukhari on the authority of 'Abdullah ibn 'Abbas radhiyallahu anhuma:

The wife of Thabit ibn Qays came to the Messenger of Allah (upon him be peace) and said, "O Messenger of Allah, I do not have any complaints about Thabit ibn Qays in regards to any issue of character or religion. However, I dislike unbelief [kufr] in Islam. The Messenger (upon him be peace) asked her is she was prepared to return his orchard to him [that he had given to her as marriage payment]. She agreed, so the Messenger (upon him be peace) told him to accept the orchard and grant her one divorce.

She articulated her feelings of not wishing to stay with him any longer and wanting separation in the following terms "However, I dislike unbelief [kufr] in Islam," meaning that since there is no love between us, I do not want it to lead to disobeying him or anything else that that may come there off.

She did not have any other complaint against him which she made clear, but the bond was just not present, so the Messenger (upon him be peace) told her she could seek a divorce. This is because Islam does not force people to remain together if their are valid reasons for separation.

Hence, if you feel that your situation is also such that despite having exhausted all methods of reconciliation you are just unable to be together, then divorce would be a valid option.

And Allah knows best

If nothing changes then it would be permissible in such a case to seek a divorce. (Radd al-Muhtar 2:558)

And Allah knows best.

Answered by Abdurrahman ibn Yusuf of the Hanafi fiqh list.

[Family and Marriage] [Mainpage] [What's New?]