Nasruddin and the Will of God
"May the Will of Allah be done," a pious man was saying about something or the other.
"It always is, in any case," said Mullah Nasruddin.
"How can you prove that, Mullah?" asked the man.
"Quite simply. If it wasn't always being done, then surely at some time or another my will would be done, wouldn't it?"
Why we are here
Walking one evening along a deserted road, Nasruddin saw a troop of horsemen rapidly approaching. His imagination started to work; he saw himself captured or robbed or killed and frightened by this thought he bolted, climbed a wall into a graveyard, and lay down in an open grave to hide.
Puzzled at his bizzare behaviour, the horsemen - honest travellers - followed him.
They found him stretched out, tense, and shaking.
"What are you doing in that grave? We saw you run away. Can we help you? Why are you here in this place?"
"Just because you can ask a question does not mean that there is a straightforward answer to it," said Nasruddin, who now realized what had happened. "It all depends upon your viewpoint. If you must know, however, I am here because of you - and you are here because of me!"
The unshaven man
A man was walking along the street when he passed another man with a lot of stubble on his face standing outside a shop. The first man asked:
"How often do you shave?
Twenty or thirty times a day," answered the man with the stubble.
"What! You must be a freak!" exclaimed the first man.
"No, I'm only a barber," replied the man with the stubble.
Nasruddin delivers a khutbah (sermon)
Once, the people of The City invited Mulla Nasruddin to deliver a khutba. When he got on the minbar (pulpit), he found the audience was not very enthusiastic, so he asked "Do you know what I am going to say?" The audience replied "NO", so he announced "I have no desire to speak to people who don't even know what I will be talking about" and he left.
The people felt embarrassed and called him back again the next day. This time when he asked the same question, the people replied "YES" So Mullah Nasruddin said, "Well, since you already know what I am going to say, I won't waste any more of your time" and he left.
Now the people were really perplexed. They decided to try one more time and once again invited the Mullah to speak the following week. Once again he asked the same question - "Do you know what I am going to say?" Now the people were prepared and so half of them answered "YES" while the other half replied "NO". So Mullah Nasruddin said "The half who know what I am going to say, tell it to the other half" and he left!
Nasruddin and his donkey
One day , one of Mullah Nasruddin's friend came over and wanted to borrow his donkey for a day or two. Mullah, knowing his friend, was not kindly inclined to the request, and came up with the excuse that someone had already borrowed his donkey. Just as Mullah uttered these words, his donkey started braying in his backyard. Hearing the sound, his friend gave him an accusing look, to which Mullah replied: "I refuse to have any further dealings with you since you take a donkey's word over mine."
Nasruddin and the violin
Once, Mullah Nasruddin bought a violin. And he began to play.
Same note, same string, over and over.
After a few hours his wife was at her wits' end. "Nasruddin!" she screamed.
Nasruddin put down the bow. "Yes dear?"
"Why do you play the same note? It's driving me crazy! All the real violin players move their fingers up and down, play on different strings! Why don't you play like they do?"
"Well dear, I know why they go up and down and try all different strings."
"Why is that?"
"They're looking for *this* note." And he picked up his bow and resumed his playing.
The Caliph and the delusional man
A certain man claimed to be God and was brought before the Caliph, who said to him, "Last year someone here claimed to be a prophet and he was put to death!"
The man replied, "It was well that you did so, for I did not send him."
(9th century joke)
The Sultan and the false prophet
A certain man claimed to be a prophet and was brought before the Sultan, who said to him, "I bear witness that you are a stupid prophet!"
The man replied, "That is why I have only been sent to people like you."
(9th century joke)
The forgetful relater of traditions
Someone said to Ashab, "If you were to relate traditions and stop telling jokes, you would be doing a noble thing."
"By God!" answered Ashab, "I have heard traditions and related them."
"Then tell us", said the man.
"I heard from Nafai," said Ashab, "on the authority of such-and-such, that the Prophet, may God bless him, said, "There are two qualities, such that whoever has them is among God's elect."
"That is a fine tradition", said the man. "What are these two qualities?"
"Nafai forgot one and I have forgotten the other," replied Ashab.
(a 9th century joke)
Nasruddin and the conqueror
A certain conqueror said to Nasruddin:
"Mulla, all the great rulers of the past had honorific titles with the name of God in them: there was, for instance, God-Gifted, and God-Accepted, and so on. How about some such name for me?"
"God Forbid," said Nasruddin.
Nasruddin and the bedouins
"When I was in the desert," said Nasruddin one day, "I caused an entire tribe of horrible and bloodthirsty bedouins to run."
"However did you do it?"
"Easy. I just ran, and they ran after me."